How to cope and recover from bereavement

Disclaimer: I am not an expert when it comes to psychology or self help, but these are my personal tips for handling my grief. These advice may help me but may not help others.

Bereavement period is a very difficult time we all go through at some point in our lives. It is never easy. We go through a lot intense emotions, we become vulnerable and it requires time to heal. During these time we really need to put extra effort in looking after ourselves.

Here are some tips I think that will help a person going through the grief of loss:

1. Don’t be hard on yourself:

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2. Understand the grief & loss process:

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3. Acceptance & understand things happens for a reason:

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4. Use our time & energy to do our sacred duty – to create merit & blessings for the deceased:

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5. Self care:

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6. Take a break:

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7. Return to clarity & balance:

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8. Spend time with others:

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9. Surround yourself with kinda & compassionate people:

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10: Talk it through:

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11. Listen to Dharma lectures:

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12. Understand it is not the end:

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13. Time is a healer:

Being in an emotionally vulnerable situation makes it even more important that we put extra effort in looking after ourselves and people around us.

It is helpful to understand about the psychological aspect of grievance (such as the 5 stages of grief & loss) in order to help us to navigate through our emotions turmoil towards recovery and balance. It is also  important that we focus on our self care so we can have the strength to look after and support others around us. The timeless wisdom from Dharma can also provides insight to emotional recovery and to be of benefit of both the living and the deceased.

When our love ones pass away, it is never easy. Emotion runs wild and it may feel like our whole world crumbles before us. Feeling of shock, disbelief, unsettled (because of no closure), anxious, sadness, despair, missing them, regrets of things we were not able to tell them or do for them, regrets of things we did that hurt them, guilt of being alive and so forth. These are all natural emotions, however, we also have to realise that we have the important and sacred duty to liberate our deceased love ones. We may fall in despair but we have to remind ourselves to channel our energy to pray and do good deeds for the deceased. It is the the best thing we can do for them. Liberating the deceased from Samsara is the best we can do for anyone.

It is important for us to put effort in looking after ourselves because we have the responsibility to look after people around us, do the sacred duty of reciting for the deceased and to live on to cultivate and spiritually grow on earth. Self care will also lessen the burden of others around us and will help the deceased to not worried about us thereby crossover more easily.

Find ways to emotionally cope and look after your health and mental well being. Here are some advice I think may help:

• Spend time with our family and friends: Being around others really help reduce our anxiety, their support gives us some strength and they can distract us from being too immerse with our negative emotions.
• Take regular breaks and have a change of environment: Sometimes being in a change of environment like going for a walk in a park or visiting a friend really helps take our mind off grievance for that short and help recalibrate, clear our minds and calm our hearts. Go for a relaxing long baths or other self care activities can help too.
• Read or listen to Dharma Lectures: Listening to Dharma lectures feed our soul with light and goodness, it can heal our hearts and put clarity and give better perspective.
• Remind ourselves of our sacred duty: It is important to remind ourselves of our sacred duty in praying for the deceased love ones.
• Widen our perspective with Dharma Wisdom: Although it is sad and we have a lot of emotions, it is good to widen our perspective with wisdom so we can have more clarity and more peace of mind. See below for some wider perspective.
• Take this opportunity to learn not to do things we regret again. Spend time with our love ones and solve problems we may have with others.

Here are some example of food for thought that I think may widen our perspective to cope with the grievance:

• First Noble Truth: we should remind ourselves of the first noble truth, that life is suffering & impermanent to begin with and so we are expecting it and it hurts less when we are ready for it.
• The spirit lives on in a better place: We should remind ourselves that the spirit never dies, they are just migrating to another home. They are in a better place, free from the pain and suffering of having this troublesome physical body.
• There are still so much we can do for them: There are so much we can still do for them, especially reciting for them.
• They want us to be happy & at peace: Remind ourselves that the deceased wants us to be happy and peaceful. We do miss them and it hurts but we should also not be crippled by too much despair.
• A calm heart and clarity of mind is best for us all: Although there our sad moments, remind ourselves that we work best when our hearts are calm and our mind have peace & clarity. We can recite better for the deceased and we are in the right state of mind.
• Acceptance of Karma and do the best we can going forward: We have to accept karma whenever it presence it self, especially if it is out of our hands. When it is time to go then it is time to go. We can only accept the impermanence of life and do the best we can do now which is to cultivate and dedicate merit to the deceased love ones.
• Time will heal: Like anything in life, time will heal. Be patient and do our spiritual duty. There will be ups and downs, but in the grand scheme of things, if we do what is right, time will heal and there will be light at the end for both ourselves and the deceased.
• Cultivate well in this life so we once we attain liberation in Buddha field, we can become awakened Bodhisattvas and save all our relatives in past lives.